Batemans Bae Boardwalk
A few weeks ago Rod and I were walking along the Batemans Bay foreshore. I love hearing his stories about ‘old’ Batemans Bay and how things used to be. The general consensus is things were better in the 80’s & 90’s then went downhill quick. Then an awesome yoga studio opened in 2018 and it’s been on the rise ever since. (OK I made that last bit up, but I still think its true)
As we were walking along Rod was telling me how the shopping centre used to be a school, how his old dog died under the post office and how he used to go to Soul Tribe when it was a nightclub called Bensons with a fake ID and $10 hoping to get lucky. He’s currently in Indonesia surfing and I’m really missing him, which is weird because I dont usually miss people. I’m usually grateful for the time by myself but all I want is for him come home. It’s been a week. 🤪
I realise what a grounding presence he is in my life. Obviously I’m a very capable, independent women (can you tell?!!!) and I survived without him for 38 years blah blah blah but I notice how frantic and over the top I can get without him here. Not that being frantic or over the top is a bad thing. I’m very grateful for my energy because it allows me to do so many wonderful things. but often I just need to chill TF out. I can tell I’m doing too much when I start losing everything, putting my wallet in the fridge, tripping over my scarf, dropping plates of food and drinking too much coffee. Of course I have a million strategies to work with my frantic nature and I’ve been using them for years. The most effective strategy is to get outside, leave all technology inside, jump in the ocean and put my feet on the earth which I do every day and I feel extremely grateful for the privilege to live here and enjoy all of this. But nothing calms me down more than being in his arms. Which is an interesting and rather alarming thing to notice and admit to myself and all of you. My hyper independence is dissolving bit by bit.
When we were walking along the water laughing at how weird the buildings are he told me he painted the Aussie Pancakes sign by hand, way back before signwriters used computers. He was 22 years old, so thats a really long time ago. I tell him we should build a yoga studio out here on the water, oh and a statue of me.
He laughs at me. One of the things I love most about him, and there’s a lot, is that he laughs at me. He doesn’t take me too seriously. He doesn’t try and change me. He doesn’t agree with me. He just loves me and laughs.
I’ve been having the same conversation with people about Batemans Bay for years.
Why is the town centre so ugly
Why dont people use the waterfront
Why are there no decent restuarants
Why is there no live music
Why is there no nightlife.
The answers I’ve had are:
They built an old peoples home in the town centre so noise is no longer allowed
The council want to keep things Canberrian for the Canberra people (very doubtful about this one, pretty sure Canberra people like any other people love good food and live music)
Someones making a lot of money from selling it all off to Kmart, kfc etc (more believable)
There’s no opportunities for young people so they move away (seems like a chicken egg kinda situation)
Its impossible to make small business work here (definitely not true)
Whatever the reasons are, it’s true, there’s not much soul in the centre of town. Paradoxically (dont you love a paradox), the people are full of soul. Everyone is so friendly, down to earth, non judgmental. It’s the least pretentious place I’ve ever lived. The refreshing opposite of Byron where if you dont look like a super model, it’s not really ok.
I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and he was talking about a couple of his favourite places closing down and how sad it was and how you just can’t make something work in Batemans Bay.
I can see his point, but as I said to him, if that’s the story you’re telling yourself, if that’s the story we are all telling ourselves it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. What we believe comes true. In my usual (maybe annoying) Pollyanna style I encouraged him to focus on all the good things in his life. I told him to write a list of all the things he loved. A few hours later he sent me his list. I know it’s cheesy as hell I said, but it works. Focus on the ‘negative’ things and thats all you see. Focus on the ‘positive’ and thats what you’ll notice.
Years ago I read a book called Buddhas Brain by Rick Hansen. He talks about how our brains are velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive experiences. In a day, if 15 wonderful things happen, but then your car breaks down on the highway, what’s the one thing you focus on? We are hardwired to focus on negative emotions and situations because it’s how we’ve survived as a species. Natural selection has programmed us to be hyper vigilant towards potential threats, which explains the existential low-level hum of dread that most of us feel most of the time. ‘Somethings going to go wrong. Do I have my wallet. Where’s my passport. Have I forgotten to feed the cats. Did I leave the stove on. Are my children safe. Am I safe.’ Etc etc etc.
When I first learnt this I felt a huge amount of relief.
It’s not just me. It’s not my fault. There’s nothing wrong with me.
It felt strangely comforting to know I wasn’t alone in my struggles, and more importantly there was a way out. Essentially all of the teachings of Buddhism & Yoga point to this. The nature of life is impermanence. The constant and unavoidable truths of getting old, losing things, dying, people around us dying cause us to suffer. BUT change doesn’t have to cause suffering. There is a way to come to terms with the nature of change, feel all the feelings and not get stuck in suffering.
This is what all the practices, the meditation, the yoga postures, the chanting, the dancing, the drumming are doing. Reminding us that we dont have to suffer. Reminding us that our thoughts are not true. Reminding us that there’s much more to life than what’s inside our own brain.
If the negativity bias means we’re hardwired to focus on the negative, that acceptance and understanding means we can do something about it. We can choose to bathe in, to compound, to feel, to expand the positive emotions and experiences. Because the brain is plastic, we can actually change the wiring and neurochemistry of our brain by focusing on the positive things that happen.
If I have a really positive experience, lets say I’m teaching a class and the energy in the room is amazing, and I feel completely in flow and teaching feels effortless and everyone seems really present and afterwards we all hug and smile and people tell me how grateful they are. In that moment I feel really good. Instead of finishing the class, saying goodbye and then straight away getting on with the next thing, sending emails or whatever, if I take a few minutes to sit and ‘compound’ the positive emotion then that feeling will lodge itself in my body. It doesn’t have to take long. It’s very simple. I just sit and bathe in how good I feel. How good that class was. How grateful I am for this studio. How grateful I am for Batemans Bay. How grateful I am that I found this place. How grateful I am that I left England. How grateful I am for my friends and family. In a couple of minutes I’ve changed my physiology and brain chemistry simply by focusing on what I love. If I do this consistently over weeks, months and years, my whole outlook changes (and I have, and it has).
The thing is we tend to naturally compound the negative experiences. Something goes ‘wrong’. For example, someone cancels their membership. I feel a bit disappointed. Then I realise I’ve forgotten to lodge my tax in time and I get a fine. then no one turns up to class. Suddenly I’m in a spiral. I start to focus on all the things that are wrong in my life. I sit and compound the negative emotions. I start to tell myself things like ‘everyone hates me’ ‘I’m going to fail’ ‘what’s the point, I might as well quit now’. The longer I sit in these negative emotions the longer they affect my physiology. It’s so easy to compound the emotions we dont actually want.
This isn’t about bypassing the painful stuff. There’s a very fine, nuanced line between feeling all the feelings (absolutely essential) and getting stuck there. When I feel lonely or sad, it’s’ not about putting on a brave face and pretending I’m fine. It’s about recognising how I’m feeling, allowing those feelings to be there, but instead of letting the feelings convince me I’m shit and the world is shit, investigating these feelings with kindness. Where do I feel this in my body. Can I breathe into this. Can I bring more love to this place. when I’ve sat with myself with love, then I’m less likely to believe all the stories my mind is telling me.
This process is beautifully explained in Tara Brach’s famous analogy RAIN. R - recognise, A - allow, I - investigate with kindness. N - nurture.
Another one of my favourite practices is to sit for a few minutes before I go to sleep and write down all the beautiful things that happened in the day and say thank you. So simple but it works. If we dont appreciate what we have, what’s the point.
‘The secret to having it all is realising you already do’. That’s my mantra of the moment.
To end my ramble about Batemans Bay, I ultimately dont really care that there’s nowhere to go out at night because I dont go out anyway. I dont mind that there’s a limited amount of decent restaurants, because it means I get the pleasure of cooking for people. I love living here. As I’ve said many times it’s the only place that’s ever felt like home.
I love everyone here. I’ve never been welcomed so warmly to a town. Everyone is super friendly, down to earth, loving and supportive. There’s an incredible community vibe here, even though at first glance the town seems soulless. Maybe it’s a ploy to make it look shit so it doesn’t get invaded. Really the last thing anyone needs is another Byron so I hope it doesn’t turn into that, so maybe I’ve answered my own question. I love the old school nature of this place. I love that it’s not trendy and hip. I even love the funny old shopping centres and the empty shops. I love the way everyone knows each other. I love that I cant’ walk for more than five minutes without saying hi to someone. I love how everyone knows everything about everyone :) I want to say thank you. To Batemans Bay. To everyone here. For welcoming me to your home. And now it’s my home too. In November I’ll be celebrating Soul Tribe’s 5th birthday with a huge party and you’re all invited.
Thank you, I love you.
(And all that being said, please can someone open a cute little local produce tapas bar and live music venue on the promenade please and thank youuuuuu)